Field Notes From a Friend
It is impossible to forget my first foray into the realm of gardening.
Firmly clutching a bucketful of ideas, and brimming with more ambition than good sense, I began plotting the garden of my dreams. Rows bursting with zinnia, gladiolus, and every variety of summer herb gloriously populated my castle in the air. While my husband gamely tilled a staggering section of lawn, I amended the soil with generous amounts of compost, then seeded rows with the determination of my Swiss ancestors.
It will surprise exactly no one that weedy reality quickly collided with my daydreams.
Though I was fully aware gardens required sweat equity, I was wholly underprepared for the sheer amount of hours a garden in my new-to-me climate would consume. Weeding and hoeing, tilling and pruning--all seemed intent on gobbling up the gloriously lit hours. To encounter May in Wisconsin is to meet springtime on steroids. A special northern cocktail that invites weeds to sprout with juiced-up abandon while the sun stays up to party. No doubt the prim eastern plantings of my upbringing would shudder and pass by on the other side.
Nearly twenty years later I can (mostly) appreciate the mountain of mistakes I made. Do NOT plant tomatillos anywhere you do not wish to welcome their future offspring for infinity. Forget tilling. Mulch. Mulch more. Old newspapers are your new best friend. Grow what loves you back. Meet each season on its own terms, admiring the sculptural beauty of autumn seed-heads rather than bemoaning the lack of blossoms.
Though invaluable lessons were learned with each new experiment, at some point I blessedly stumbled upon the realization that it is absolutely unnecessary to make every mistake for myself.
Women both older and wiser than my twenty-something self were more than eager to share their secrets with a young enthusiast--all manner of tricks, tips, and garden hacks. The timeworn advice they offered was welcome refreshment as I attempted to rule and subdue nature's chaos.
There is a heap of truth buried in all that horticulture.
Considering the weeks of careful attention we've given to fortify the soil, the question now in view is this: what practical insights on watering and weeding might we benefit from? Are there practices we could glean from others who've been successful? Perhaps their field-notes on friendship might better help us navigate the springtime overwhelm that so easily sprouts as we dig into the nitty gritty aspects of friendship on the ground.
The paragraphs below are the result of bombarding a handful of trusted folks with the following question:
What has been most transformative for you personally in the process of growing and maintaining thriving friendship relationships?
The feedback I received reflects a spectrum of life circumstances, but I would suggest there is most likely something in their tote of garden tools that you can appropriate. Let's dig in!
1. Allow friendships to blossom organically rather than attempting to prune them into shapes that you prefer.
If my friends look curiously similar to me on almost every level, it's probably time to shake things up. I deeply cherish my "ride-or-dies", those friends who come running with Kleenex and comfort--or snacks and a celebration, depending on the day. But I'm no less appreciative of my youthful friend who shares her struggles openly and loves me with loyalty. Equal in value is a friend I've acquired more recently--she a gracious sixty-ish years--vulnerable with her difficulties, yet a constant cheerleader for the wild ride of toddler training I am currently on. Then there's the long-distance friend who I see very seldom, but upon whom I can always depend for deep and lovely wanderings through the theological landscape.
I could ramble on, but the point is this: to function as our healthiest selves, a multiplicity of friendships is key. Frequency of interaction, location, circumstances, and age, are all helpful variances that keep our friendships from smelling self-centered. But the thread pulling us together is ongoing connection.
2. Genuine interest and care about what is happening in the everyday moments.
Due to the overwhelming number of people who submitted this one, we can safely conclude that the framework for enduring friendship is built with dead-simple materials. No flashy construction here, just the mundane sharing of highs, lows, and everyday tedium of another human soul. Has she still been waking every hour? How did your trip go? Have you got those peaches canned? These simple questions carry the load of "one another love"--yet I will readily admit my tendency towards giving them short shrift. Especially when they sound suspiciously similar to small-talk.
Any growth I've been graced with in this area of friendship is due in no small part to walking alongside people who consistently model this well. Genuine care is worlds away from nosiness, and these women practice it with sincerity and attention. I'm beginning to grasp the ways in which "how's your day been?" does not need to equal a throw-away greeting. I'm choosing instead to see it as a small moment in a big story.
3. Pick a day of the week (or month) and establish an ongoing practice of an informal meet-up for coffee and conversation.
I love this idea so much! Whether a general invitation issued via church ladies' chat, or an offer extended on your personal status--welcome in whoever chooses to show their face. Sharing steaming cups (or icy glasses) is an informal and low-stakes way to connect in physical form with others. Keep it simple and don't overthink it. You'll be surprised at the delight people express as well as the feeling of community it provides.
"You bring the cup, I'll supply the brew. Come on over from 9-11 tomorrow for coffee and conversation!”
4. Conversations about things that actually matter, as well as verbal affirmations of growth and encouraging the gifts of the other person.
This one comes courtesy of a friend from girlhood. We see each other rarely, and talk only once in a blue moon. But on the occasion our paths do cross, it is only a matter of minutes before this thoughtful woman of God is steering us toward the good stuff. She shares with openness unhindered and peppers our conversation with perceptive affirmations. Honest naming of another's gifts when we notice them is an important practice of friendship.
(Next time you're at a loss for what to gift a friend for their birthday, spend some time writing out the ways they have enriched your life and the positive qualities you appreciate in them. I am here to report it will bless you as much as them. p.s. Be prepared with Kleenex)
5. Connect with long distance friends in a structured way. Set aside a day each month to share an in-depth conversation with a particular friend.
With the plethora of messaging apps at our fingertips, here is a unique practice to help maintain closer connection with friends who are physically farther away, but who are still important to us. Set a mutually convenient day of the month and make a plan to connect via messaging throughout the course of the day.
The friend who shared this idea keeps in touch with two especially close friends using this method. What usually begins as a simple "so whatcha been up to" --morphs with familiar ease into the sharing of triumphs, struggles, insecurities, or inspirations--before swinging around to the perennial question: "So what should I make for supper?"
6. Being heard without judgement. Listening well when a friend shares a struggle, even when it may seem small in the scheme of things. The hard thing they are facing feels real to them, so it should be real to us. After listening and holding space, a friend of integrity can also speak the truth in love instead of soley commiserating. This is the truest sign of a trustworthy friend.
This gem of wisdom was shared by a woman who has done this exact thing for me many times over. When choosing to "vent" I generally have a hazy awareness of how perfectly ridiculous I sound--but I am grateful for perceptive friends who allow me to process my nonsense out loud and without interruption. They listen to understand instead of waiting to reply. Their empathy scooches up next to me and I feel safe, seen, and secure. They are also faithful to remind me that although my feelings are real, they are not always reality.
With gentleness and encouragement they nudge my shoulders to face the Son, orienting me rightly in the direction of Truth.
(If you are new to this practice and wonder which posture is most needful, might I suggest leaning into the pause? Many times I have also been deeply moved by what my friends didn't say. Wisdom is being willing to wait for the appropriate time for my words. Which generally isn't right away) *see also the book of Job for a further cautionary tale
7. Be spontaneous. In certain seasons, be willing to put what feels like an extra amount of effort into spending even a short amount of time together.
I consider it grace that someone was impressed to share this viewpoint. Without a doubt, I am guilty of doing exactly the opposite. In the blurry season of parenting littles, it is tempting to think nearly everything will take "too much time." But as the person who pointed this out went on to explain--taking time to help one another with an evening project, or bringing something to share around a campfire--this is the "extra effort" that produces good memories and closer friendship ties.
8. If you find yourself consistently disappointed when your friends do not "show up" for you in ways you feel they should--it may be time to reexamine where we are placing our fundamental fulfillment.
We do not have to strain our eyes in order to spy the tendrils of cancel culture desperately trying to creep into our relationships. When a friend disappoints us, or fails to meet the expectations we may have--our quick and sensitive reaction can be to assume they are not as invested in the friendship as we are. Perhaps. But I would like to submit a question: is there a possibility that I am asking my friends to fill an empty space that only Jesus can?
The goal of this past month was to illustrate the beautiful ways in which friendship can be a living breathing conduit of the Father’s love. But if my primary identity, worth, and satisfaction are not grounded daily in ongoing connection to Christ, I will likely find myself expecting my friends to be my savior instead of my sisters. To make human love my highest goal is to be continually disappointed.
This role reversal creates a pressure to perform in certain ways in order to be considered a worthy friend--and we likewise will constantly measure others by the amount of effort they invest in us. Exhausting? Absolutely. Sustainable? Not a chance.
My own friends are excellent and praiseworthy, yet at times even they will let me down. But the sting is ultimately bearable when I know exactly to whom I can take my complaint. This friend will never grow weary of my words, never misunderstand my motives, and is the one person I can never accuse of not investing enough into our relationship. If you think that is unbelievable, he is also a king. Yet he chooses me as friend.
Seek first Him. And friend?
So much more will be added.
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Your turn! I would be honored to hear what insight you might offer on the practicalities of real-life friendship. I continue to be blessed at every turn in this venture. Thank you for your thoughtful input, encouragement, patience, and support.
If you're just catching up, here is where we have been walking:
Beautifully done again. Love the garden comparison.
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