Friendship For Us All: An Introduction

If granted the superhuman ability to peer back a mere 15 years or so, you would encounter a smoother faced, less nuanced, more insecure version of myself.  Who rated the idea of deep friendship somewhere between optional and terrifying.  My husband and I were a match made in heaven, I reveled in hobbies and homemaking, and it is a marvel just how much I thought I knew.

Through days and years more complex than I have space to expound upon, I must leave this truest testament: the Lord is so very kind. Especially in the ways His goodness and grace are leading me to discover the beautiful purpose in authentic Christian friendships. Friendship that far exceeds the flimsy definition thrown around by a world obsessed with themselves--defined instead by the gracious, generous, and genuine person of Christ.

Deep friendship found me--yes me--the solid INTJ, often in her head, craves-alone-time-Cathy. Nearly laughable but entirely true. While illustrating perfectly the fact that introvert or extrovert, married or single, we all need proximity to friendship in order to thrive.  I have found this fact sometimes annoying, often humbling, and wholly inescapable.  Self-sufficiency is not an attribute available to me, no matter how much I would like to convince myself otherwise.

Whether you exist as a contented wall-flower or are closer kin to social-butterfly--what definition would spill forth if you were tasked with describing your own ideas on adult friendship?

• A peer of similar age and interests?
• That one who is always up for social activity?
• A school-days bestie who "knew-you-when...?"
• A person who sees life primarily from the same viewpoint?
• Or maybe only a family member is granted that level of intimacy and access?

Thankfully most of us have discarded adolescent wonderings, (i.e. "How can I sit with the cool kids?") but what have we built up in its place?  The curious dance of forming meaningful and honest friendships with other women is often complicated at best and traumatic at worst.

• "I wish I had more friends I could be transparent with."
• "I don't think I have the capacity for maintaining deep friendships."
• "I find it difficult to sustain female friendships, because I REALLY dislike drama.
• "How do I even go about building relationships beyond a surface level?"
• "Why do I feel so awkward when trying to initiate a more meaningful connection?"
• "Do I really even need deep friendships if I have a thriving marriage?"
• "Does having close friendships mean I must constantly connect deeply with each one?"
• "Why are adult friendships so hard? If they're meant to be, shouldn't they just fall into place?"

I'm guessing you might identify with at least a few of the questions and statements above.  I certainly have experienced the angst of similar thoughts along my friendship journey.  But over years, the steady faithfulness of women who have thrown their time towards me in significant ways has softened my prickly posture through their safe and welcoming presence.

All this to say, I'm here with the best news possible:  honest, vulnerable, and expansive friendship is available to us all, no matter our age, tastes, or life experience. In the words of Curt Thompson:

"We are all born into the world

looking for someone

looking for us."

To lay aside my insecurities and open my eyes to others is in fact the first step in learning the secret to genuine relationship.  In so doing, I will also encounter the person of Christ in those I choose to welcome.

"I was a stranger and you welcomed me."

(Matthew 25:35b)

The pursuit of healthy friendships should be cause for expansion--a way to express the overflowing treasure of life in Christ, not a suffocating emotion that fearfully excludes.  Though we fool ourselves otherwise, we eventually will be harmed by an absolute focus on only one friend.  A scarcity mindset is always at odds with the abundant life.

The formation of authentic friendship will no doubt look markedly different depending on our season.  Truth be told, I too often find myself demanding sweet-peas in September--while ignoring the bounty of nearby sunflowers blooming their hearts out.

As an enthusiastic grower of green things, I'm learning the truism that both gardens and friendships require tending. The temptation towards overzealous watering or anxious micro-managing is real, (as is the other extreme, death by neglect) but the simplest ingredients--intentional time and loving attention--multiply the rewards like so many cherry tomatoes. An embarrassment of riches beyond what I dared imagine.  How uniquely satisfying to be surprised by abundance in unlikely corners!

In the upcoming weeks we will bend to the task of sifting through organic material and turning up the soil in which genuine relationships can best take root.  Along the way, we will hopefully gain a fresh perspective on how to better cultivate the dry seeds of standard-issue acquaintance, to thriving stems of friendship love.

The hunger of my heart throughout this series is to thoughtfully unpack the gift of friendship as commanded in John 15.  To hopefully, in some small way, pay forward the good deposit that has been credited to my account.  To do my little part in motivating our hearts toward love and good works.  And through the delightful discovery of friendship in surprising places, our limbs might be strengthened and our burdens shared.

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• Week One: What does the agape relationship of John 15 show us about Christian friendship?  (the why)
• Week Two: Fully Know, Truly Loved (transparency and vulnerable)
• Week Three: Practical & Everyday (the fuel for real-life friendships)
• Week Four: The Ministry of Presence (the “withness” of relationships)
• Week Five: Conclusion--Psalm 34:3 (on mission together)

I count it a privilege to share this journey with you. Feel free to continue the conversation in the comments below, or drop your thoughts in my inbox. Your interest and participation are always welcome.